Natural Parenting » Positive Discipline

Man gives away spanking paddles

naturalparenting — Tue, 26 Jun 2007 19:07:50 +0000

Every idiot needs a village and this idiot’s village is Pittsburg.

According to an article in Pittsburgh Live.com, a homeschooling mother, Susan Lawrence, is spearheading efforts to stop some nutcase from giving away paddles designed to spank children. The photo attached to the article shows this lunatic wielding what appears to be a large plank of wood. Perhaps he thinks people might hurt their hands when they beat their children so they need a tool?

Apparently the idea to give away beating devices came to him while he was having his special time in the shower. According to him, that is when God speaks to him. Wow. The article states that

“Salvati, 44, who owns a home remodeling business and sends free wooden paddles to parents across the country, said he’s just doing what God asked him to do four years ago.”

In a refreshing voice of reason amidst this insanity Lawrence states that she “finds his rules “perverted.”People get that associated in their minds that love means being hit. That’s very dangerous, and that leads to all kinds of perversions,” she said. “In my way of thinking, when someone hits you, they do not love you.”

what message are spankers giving their children?

“It is perfectly OK to hit people that are too small and trusting to fight back”
“I will stop hitting you when you are big enough to hurt me back”
“I love you and its OK for me to hurt you physically, but if your boyfriend or husband hurts your physically someday you should leave him immediately”
“People show their love by hurting”
“You should only hurt the ones you love in the privacy of your own home”

As a domestic violence survivor I find this crackpot especially disturbing and I would be delighted if crazy people who respond to voices they hear during their special time in the shower would be locked up rather than written about in the newspaper.

Click here to read the full article at Pittsburghlive.com

Positive Child Discipline

naturalparenting — Sat, 23 Jun 2007 18:59:18 +0000

Time-out sucks…away your child’s emotional security

One of the most commonly used parenting techniques in current day used throughout schools, homes, and day cares is “time-out”. “Timeout” is based primarily on a way of thinking that implies children act out for attention. Therefore, if a child is acting out ‘for’ attention, you don’t want to reward the child but rather give the child ‘time-out’ to think about their negative behaviors, thereby making better decisions next time. Considering that educators and professionals are still teaching and writing about this technique as though it were a ‘new’ alternative behavior discipline method, let’s ask the question: What makes “time-out” any different than standing with your nose in the corner, sitting on the dunce chair, being sent to your room, or having to sit in the naughty chair? Can someone please tell me the difference?

Bishop T.D. Jakes says, “If you always do what you’ve always done, you will always be where you’ve already been!” If the dunce chair or standing with your nose in the corner didn’t work when we were children, then why do we think by dressing it up as something seemingly more contemporary, that it is going to work now? Many of you may be saying, “But it does work. All I have to do is start counting to three and my child stops their behavior to avoid time out,” or maybe you’re saying, “If it’s good enough for Super Nanny, it’s good enough for me.” Have you seen the new King Kong flick? Well, to a two-year old, an adult looks something like Kong did to the blonde, an utter giant. Wouldn’t you sit in a chair for two or three minutes if King Kong told you to do so? Wouldn’t you stop your behavior if you knew that if you continued, you would lose the loving support of your most secure attachment figure? Help me understand how it makes sense to send a child whose behavior is clearly communicating that they are unable to manage their current emotional state, to go sit by themselves to sort through their upset emotions, alone “Time-out” does not recognize the developmental and regulatory struggles a child is demonstrating in the midst of their behavior of acting out. Consider for a moment that rather than a child acting out ‘for’ attention, he is in fact, acting out because he ‘needs’ attention. Read that sentence again. It can make all of the difference. Instead of sending the child off to sit in a chair or be isolated, bring the child into you for a period of time. Have him sit next to you, hold your hand, stand beside you. Say to the child, “When you are feeling better you may go back and play.” In other words, allow the child to determine how much time-in that he needs. Important point: It is not imperative that you touch the child during this time. A child that does not want to be touched, or reacts violently, should not be touched. In that moment, the child is in survival mode and feels very threatened. Keep your distance, but indicate to the child that you are nearby and will stay so, until the child feels safer.

“Time-in” can be a very effective alternative to “time-out”. “Time-in” teaches compassion, regulation, the ability to create internal calm in the midst of stress, and understanding. Before providing “Time-In” for your child, give some to yourself. Take a moment, find a quiet corner, take four deep breaths, and find your calm, peaceful self. Now you are ready to help calm your child.

Author: B. Bryan Post, PhD, LCSW
Copyright© 2006 Dr. Bryan Post. All rights reserved. About the author: To learn more about “time-in” and calming your child when in a state of stress, visit Postfamilysystem.com and parentingtheadoptedchild.com . B. Bryan Post PhD, LCSW, is an internationally recognized expert in the treatment of children and families struggling with issues related to trauma.

Image Source: http://flickr.com/photos/dcassaa/966691203/

How Your Stress Response Affects Your Children

naturalparenting — Mon, 10 Mar 2008 03:26:48 +0000

Stress is everywhere you look and you can either succumb to it or learn to let it flow right by you. Jobs are stressful, financial woes can be stressful and yes, children can be stressful. While many things in life can be stressful, nothing in life has to be stressful. It is all in how you look at it.

You may feel like screaming when your two year old scribbles all over the wall or your newborn soils a diaper moments after being changed. Screaming or pulling out your own hair, doesn’t do anyone any good however. It raises your blood pressure, shortens your life and possibly scares your child if you lash out.

Stress reduction or elimination techniques will go a long way toward improving the quality of all areas of your life. You may have to work at it a great deal to become one of those people who “nothing seems to bother” but it is possible.

Parents who are stressed can stress out their children. But if they manage stress in positive ways, they will teach valuable lessons to their children. No matter what situation arises, the way that a mom acts towards her children is important. Children will always scream, holler and cry even when things are going well. Separating the stressful event from the behavior of the children gives them security that mom’s love and care doesn’t change at these times. More4Kids.com

Some classic stress reducing techniques are:

Exercise every day.
Meditate
Take time every day for yourself
Eat well
Practice Breathing exercises
Repeat “This too shall pass”

It also helps many parents to remember that childhood disappears in the blink of an eye and only a fraction of infractions will matter in ten years time. Take a breath and a time out if necessary. One of the most important reasons to learn to control your stress response, other than your own physical and mental health is the health of your children.

Your responses to everything are a legacy that you will pass on to your children. Everything they know, they pick up from you. In addition to teaching them lifelong habits, you may also be scaring your children if you direct your stress response at them. Exercising a bit of self control and practicing stress reduction techniques now, will have payoffs for both you and your children for a lifetime.

Buy Indigo Dreams; 4 children’s stories designed to decrease stress and anxiety while increasing self esteem and self-awareness.
Image Source: http://flickr.com/photos/beija-flor/99665231/

Another Great Reason Not To Spank

naturalparenting — Tue, 04 Mar 2008 01:40:55 +0000

A recent meta-analysis of various spanking studies done over the years concluded that children who were spanked, slapped, hit or on the receiving end of objects thrown at them (shudder), were more likely to engage in criminal and anti-social behaviors as adults. This included domestic violence, sexual violence and child abuse.

There was a ….”93 percent agreement among studies that spanking can lead to such problems as delinquent and anti-social behavior in childhood along with aggression, criminal and anti-social behavior and spousal or child abuse as an adult.

“There was a ….”93 percent agreement among studies that spanking can lead to such problems as delinquent and anti-social behavior in childhood along with aggression, criminal and anti-social behavior and spousal or child abuse as an adult.

The researchers suggested that children whose parents spanked, slapped, hit or threw objects at them may have a greater chance of physically or verbally coercing a sexual partner, engaging in risky sexual behavior or engaging in masochistic sex, including sexual arousal by spanking. The researchers warned, however, that this is not a one-to-one or causal relationship.”- Psychcentral.com

If you are a regular to our site, then odds are you are an attachment parenting type who does not need a lecture on why to avoid spanking. If you are visiting however, you may still subscribe to the “spare the rod” mentality. Positive discipline is actually less stressful for both the parents and the children. Not only is it in keeping with the basic golden rule but it also teaches children from the beginning that violence is not an answer to your relationship problems. It does not take a leap of logic to see how a child who is physically hurt by the ones they love will grow up to equate pain with love.

A common misconception of positive discipline and attachment parenting in general is that kids can do whatever they want to with no discipline or boundaries. The opposite is in fact true. The cornerstone of effective positive discipline is fast, swift and consistent boundaries no matter what your actual technique for dealing with the situation. The child learns that there is a consequence to their action from their first tantrum or act of defiance. That consequence may be a naughty chair or time out but they will learn that something happens every time they are naughty. They learn not to be naughty without being physically assaulted by the people who are supposed to be protecting them.

I should mention as a side note, that as a domestic violence survivor, I have to assume that most parent’s who abuse their spouses will also spank. Let me be clear in saying that I do not believe that all parents who spank also abuse their spouses but I do think the opposite is highly likely. Due to the fact that violence is a learned behavior and spousal abuse is often repeated by the witnessing children as adults, I have to see more than a simple correlation between spanking and adult violence. Perhaps it isn’t the spanking alone, but that children of spankers are more likely to live in a violent household in general. I still don’t believe in spanking or physically hurting the most helpless among us, but I think other conclusions could perhaps be drawn from the study.

For a great read, check out the Love and Logic series by Jim Fay. They are fantastic books offering real life advice and easy to follow examples that can get you started on a positive discipline path and regain control over your home even if your children are already teenagers. The books are highly recommended and they really work. Whatever you do, don’t hit your kid unless you really want to play roulette with his or her adult life.

More resources:

The Ultimate Attachment Parenting Guide

naturalparenting — Sat, 04 Aug 2007 04:11:03 +0000

Are you ready to learn about attachment parenting? You have come to the right place. Our guide to attachment parenting is an ever evolving list of links designed to let you navigate through the basics of attachment parenting without surfing all over the web. If you know of a link that would be helpful, send an email to parenting *at* amuchbetterway.com and I will review it for possible inclusion.

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Stopspanking.com
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Recommended Reading: Adventures in Gentle Discipline

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